Thursday, September 9, 2010

Crazy Heart

Jeff Bridges is never gonna die. And when he does die, I'm gonna be real sad and write a country western song about him. If you've seen The Wrestler, you've essentially seen Crazy Heart but here goes. Never thought I would like Colin Farrell as a country western star, never thought I'd like Maggie Gyllenhall at all, and yet here it is. This is a moving story about what we do to people for our entertainment, much like the Wrestler. Jeff Bridges is truly great in this case.

There Will Be Blood

I'm not typically a fan of slow moving films that have lengthy scenes of scored music and nothing really happening, but in this case, I must make an exception. The movie is good. DD Lewis, as I call him, is exceptional and Kiltz from The Girl Next Door is terrifying. The movie looks really good and sounds really good and has a truly authentic feel to it. Well done. But where the f*#@ is the blood.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The A-Team

Let's start with a big lick my chode to Hollywood.
This movie is some kind of kickass, and let's talk about why.

Liam Neeson is cool as shit. I really wanted him to tell Face to "get under the bed, they're going to take you." I was still ok that he didn't. To be honest, he's cool as a monkey's nut and this is more of the same.

Sharlto Copley (the guy from District 9) is Murdoch and provides an amazing amount of comedic relief. The constant play between him, B.A. and Face is fantastic and people that didn't think it was awesome need to get kicked square in the nuts. He was AWESOME in District 9 and he is even better in this.

Bradley Cooper should be in a LOT more movies and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he was the next IT guy. Let's count it down. He's funny, he was a good dramatic actor in Alias, and if you see his six-pack in this you might lose your shit.

Finally, Quintin RAMPAGE Jackson as Mr.T. I don't care that he's actually playing B.A. Baracus. he's playing Mr. T, playing B.A. and he is great. He lays it on thick, looks cool as balls and is huge, all the things he should be.

This is a movie that, if you want to enjoy it, requires suspension of disbelief. You need to realize that NONE of this could actually happen, but it's super awesome cool when it does. Awesome stunts, movie looks great and is tonnes of fun.

This movie is now my 2nd favourite action movie ever, behind only Point Break.

2 3/4 Donairs. Watch it.
I pity the fool

Friday, July 16, 2010

Mulholland Drive

Dear David Lynch,

Fuck you.
I don't know what the fuck your movies are about. This particular movie contains 1 thing worth watching, well 4 really if you count the individual breasts. This is not to say that it's not beautifully filmed, that it isn't well acted or that it didn't contain some amazing scenes. Instead, I am merely stating that I am dumb as a fucking stump and can;t understand your films.

The best part of this movie was when Jacob shot everybody, including the fat one. Another highlight for me personally was when the movie decided to lez up to its expectations and have some real super awesome lesbian scenes. The angry/sad/crying masturbation scene sort of through me through a loop, but to each his own.

Mr Lynch. Don't make any more movies until you promise to explain them to me.


1 1/2 donairs

The Wolfman

So, this movie was one hairy whore of a movie. Having recently watched the film, I can tell you this; if you are looking for a movie with no plot, a love story that requires absolutely no development, some really great special effects and about 173 people get their heads ripped off for what seems to be absolutely no reason, this is the movie for you.

I like Benicio Del Toro, but this might be his worst performance yet. I know what you're thinking. You;re thinking, obviously you have forgotten about Excess Baggage. Nope. That movie should have one a fucking Oscar compared to how terrible Benicio is in this particular movie. Del Toro in The Fan is 189% better than he is in this movie.

I like Anthony Hopkins, but this might be one of his shittiest performances. The problem is that we develop absolutely no relationship with Del Toro or any other character in the movie, at the end of the movie you have no idea why his character has done anything that he has ever done and you honestly wish death upon him. Not him the character, him the actor.

I heckled this movie from start to finish, literally. It might as well have no plot whatsoever. I love Emily Blunt but in this particular role, she is a filthy hooker. NO explanation of any of her actions, her motivations, her story. NO explanation of how the love story just seems to be there with absolutely no development using the script.

This movie took a dump on my chest. A serious dump on my chest. It's only saving grace is it's fantastic special effects, and those simply save it from getting the worst rating possible. As it stands, I give this movie a whopping 1/2 Donair. It licks the inside of my asshole after eating a chile pepper dipped in tabasco.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Boondock Saints

So, it's been a long time since I watched this movie but last night my brother-in-law brought it home and I thought fuck it. And boy am I glad I did. So, we watched Boondock Saints. Now let's talk about it.

I'm going to talk first about the cast. The cast is fucking awesome. There are a lot of people you might recognize, and some that you might not. The two brothers are GREAT. One is well known for his role in Suicide Kings, the other for his role in Blade 2, but when it comes down to it, THIS is the role they were built for. Then you add the other role players. Billy Connelly is amazing in this, much like he is in The Last Samurai and Fido. He is an absolute legend and this movie shows why. Willem Defoe is, interesting, to say the least. In fact, his performance in the movie makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable because of how comfortable he seems to be with everything that he does.

Add to all this Carlos Rota and Ron Jeremy and you have a fucking fantastic movie. Is it likely that this movie could happen, no. Is it even possible? Well, no, not really. But it's still fucking great. It actually has a great story that talks about good and evil and their interchangeable nature... intermixed with some great fucking gun scenes.

This is a great action movie, one of my favorites of all time. It sits just below Point Break as a purist action movie and in doing so, earns 2 3/4 Donairs.

Great music, great action and Billy Fucking Connelly.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Whip It

I am not gonna lie. I thought this movie was going to suck. I decided to watch it anyways because it has Ellen Page in it, and Ellen Page is the awesomest, hottest midget on the planet. It turns out this movie has a GREAT ensemble cast. Kristin Wigg, Drew Barrymore, Juliette Lewis, Maybe from Arrested Development and what's his face from Home Alone... Daniel WhatTheFuck.

The story is short on logic. First off, there's no way that it would have taken that long for it to come out to her team that she was 17 or to her family that she was a roller derby super star. The movie makes it, (roller derby) seem super fucking awesome. It's not, but for like.... an hour and a half you actually think, well shit...roller derby seems pretty awesome. Don't let them fool you.

There is a little too much drama in a few scenes for me. First off, they try to play out too many stories, mother-daughter, sister-sister, father-daughter, husband-wife, girl+boy, best friends. Too many fucking stories. Not enough time. If this was a TV show, you could play out a full seasons with the stories that they try to make it through.

Ellen Page is a LITTLE bit obvious for me in this one. I am starting to get to the point where I know exactly what she's going to say and how she's going to say it. But I don't give a shit because she's awesome.

2 1/4 Donairs. Definitely worth watching, but don't expect too much.

Honorable mention to two specific people that I LOVED in this movie.

1. Jimmie Fallon is fucking AWESOME as the Hot Tub Johnny Rocket. Like, he's really funny. I will never again make fun of Fallon. And neither should you, asshole.

2. Andrew Wilson. This makes me giggle quite a bit. He was great in this movie, he was great in Idiocracy. But every time he spoke, I thought 'fuck this guy sounds like a Wilson'. Then I looked him up, and it turns out he is. Jean shorts and beards Batman, this fucking rockes.

Youth In Revolt

What do you get when you combine a spry-stash, cigarettes, strange evangelists and Justin Long? The answer is a relatively intelligent, slightly missing the mark, story of love, life and the pursuit of vagina.

Michael Cera is brilliant in his dual role as Nick Twisp, a semi-socially retarded goodie two-shoes, and Francois Dillinger, a narcissistic sissy with a terrible moustache and a pension for getting into trouble and then pussing out.

The chick in the movie, who gives a donkey's ass what her name is, is obnoxious. She is everything that is wrong about women. Throughout the course of the entire movie you never have a fucking hope that you'll ever know what, if anything, is floating around in her silly woman head (all complaints about this episodes' misogyny can be directed towards

There are some problems with the movie. First, Cera's sudden drift into multiple personalities is a little confusing and honestly happens a little too quickly with little or no reference to what the fuck is happening. Zack Gallifaganakolistikov (I don't have a sweet fucking clue how you pronounce his name) is relatively amusing and Ray Liotta has WAY too much fun smacking a young boys' ass.

Michael Cera's mom is a whore, his dad is a douchebag and the sister from Fringe his hot as balls.

Apparently this is a good fucking book. It's an ok movie. Maybe I should read the book.

I give this 2 donairs. It's watchable, but has a lot of holes.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

NBA Free Agency

What the fuck do I know about sports? Well, I think I know a lot and with the LeBron James announcement mere hours away, I decided to take a moment out of my busy day to talk to you about what I think.

First off, let me tell you a little bit about my favourite NBA baller, LeBron James. Unless you are talking Kobe, who is a quiff, the only tangible choice for best player in the NBA is King James. He is sickly amazing. He puts together a strong offensive game with a great defensive gift. He is DOMINANT. He can shoot RETARDED threes, block, steal, dribble, run the court, dunk on any one's face and he is entertaining. But he'll never be the man Jordan was.

Here's what makes them different. LeBron really wants his team to put some people around him so that he can win a championship. Jordan never really asked for that. Jordan had Pippen (sucked when he didn't play with Jordan), Rodman (great rebounder, offers nothing else) and a host of 3-point shooters. Toni Kukoc was considered the best player outside the US, and when he came to Chicago, he contributed, but once he and Jordan separated, he was NEVER a superstar. Jordan took what he had around him and built a championship dynasty. Then again, there was the coach.

If you've not read Sacred Hoops by Phil Jackson, you really need to. When reading this you realize, he truly is the greatest coach in the history of basketball. Look at what he's done in Chicago and Los Angeles and argue with that.

If LeBron stays in Cleveland, I'll still have some respect for him, but less than I would have before this all started. If he goes to Miami and doesn't win a championship, he's a bum. If he goes and wins one, who cares? You have a fucking all star team. If you don't win a ship with those guys, you literally suck.

So, when all is said and done, it's lose/lose for LeBron. Win a ship, you needed help. Don't win, you aren't a leader.

Also, Bosh is a shithead.

Go D-Wade.

Party Down... Down...Down in a Burning Ring of Fire

So, they cancelled Party Down. Which is bullshit. This was a legit funny and entertaining show and there are SO many bad shows out there. This is the story, really of the internet, and what it does to great television. Discuss.

I do not have Starz. Honestly, before I downloaded Party Down, (having found it on a website entitled Best New TV Shows), I didn't have a clue that there WAS a channel called Starz. I was impressed that the show was actually started by and produced for that channel. But. remember,. I don't have Starz. So I had absolutely NO recourse but to download it. Which means what? It means I'm not watching Starz and this is a problem. This is a problem because of the way we watch TV now. Movies will ALWAYS be ok. You know how I know? Try going to a fucking movie on opening weekend and let me know how the line is. But TV is very different.

If you're like me, you like to watch several episodes at a time and you like to watch it whenever you want to. Hence, PVR. But I like to watch pretty much a season at a time. I've made my way through 3 seasons of Friends in the last couple of months, and that's the way I like it. Which means we are moving away from a system that requires the actual TV and into a system that requires a computer and a little bit of effort.

So, they cancelled Party Down, because no one has Starz and a lot of people don't watch TV anymore. I am about to watch Season 2... which I downloaded, but here goes my review of Season 1.

There has been a push in two directions lately in TV. One direction is towards realism and the other is towards awkwardness. This one goes thatta way, and it does a great job of it.

The cast are ALL awkward. This is preferable to a show like Eastbound and Down where you have Danny McBride being awkward as fuck and then a bunch of other relatively people (well, a few more awkward people, but in general you know what I mean you dick). The combination of forces in this is epic. I just heard 3 of the cast members together on Doug Loves Movies and they are genuinely funny. Adam Scott (Torque and Eastbound and Down) and Ken Marino (Californication and Role Models) and Martin Starr (Freaks and Geeks and Knocked Up) are awesome and I believe I have already talked about my Lizzy Caplan crush, so need to continue with that.

Jane Lynch scares the fuck out of me. In this role, in Role Models and in Glee she literally makes me want to cry at all times. She is scary as shit. Fred Savage directs Season 1 and Paul Rudd does it all and kicks butt.

Everything is fantastic about this series and it should have NEVER been taken off the air... But it's all our fault.

2.5 Donairs for the show.
0 Donairs for the viewers, you copyright infringing whores.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


There are a number of actors that are under-rated and don't get enough credit and Woody Harrelson is one of those individuals. My first interaction with Woody was as the character of Woody in Cheers. Most people, at that point, suggested that he is an actor of limited ability.

He tried the action route in Money Train, and it sucked. He tried the dramedy in White Men Can't Jump and he was fantastic. When it comes down to it, the man can act, but he's been crippled by terrible roles and bad casting. This is not the case in Defendor.

Defendor is Woody Harrelson's Wrestler. Now, hopefully Woddy's next movie isn't Iron Man 3 because if it is I'll have to beat the shit out of him. Not that I could.

The movie is an extremely dark comedy. Scratch that. This movie is a very sad look into a deluded life, but it takes a very honest and impressive approach to this. It comes straight at the viewer and lets you know from moment one that you are dealing with a batshit crazy dude, and as the film carries on, you start to see how great an actor Woody is. There is a decent supporting castincluding Elias Koteas who plays a giant asshole and Kat Dennings who plays a young woman who likes dicks in her mouth, probably the best role she's ever played.

The movie is well worth the watch. It's essentially a very honest and more likely version of Kick Ass, minus the awesomeness. As a film, it's absolutely great and it has a very witty soundtrack.

3 Donairs. Well done Woody. You dumb Indiana bitch.

By the way, Woody's father spend years in prison. He was a freelance hit man and died in prison after being convicted of the murder of a U.S. Judge, a crime that he MAY not have committed.

So, don't fuck with a Harrelson.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Foot Fist Way

Danny McBride rocks my world. That came out gay, but I don't care, because Danny McBride is the shit.

I think that Danny McBride just gets into movies so that chicks that don't love mullets will still hook up with him. The reaction in what appear to be unscripted scenes look fantastic... and Julio the pizza eating black belt is funny. I don't care that he never says anything, he's totally kick ass.

One important thing to note is that this movie will teach you everything you ever need to know about anything. Anything ever. Like, if you need to know how to kick a board in half, FOOT FIST WAY. If you need to know how to have sex with a beautiful woman, FOOT FIST WAY. And if you need to know how to grow a super awesome moustache, FOOT FIST WAY.

Also, if you want to know how to photocopy your tits, FOOT FIST WAY.

1.5 Donairs.

NO, the movie is not that good, but it entertains the shit out of you, in a "this isn't a good movie but I'm gonna laugh anyways" kind of way.

Harry Potter 6: The Half Blood Prince

Alright... Let's start with this. I'm gonna ruin the shit out of this movie because that's what people did to me. And I'm gonna tell you exactly how they did it.

I am a bit of a slow reader, and ever slower at picking up on fads. So, I picked up HP1 when HP4 came out. So, I was a little bit behind. In fact, I was halfway through HP3 when HP6 came out and one of my friends, who fucking KNEW I was reading it, made the following statement..."I just can't believe that they kill Dumbledore." WOW.... Why in shit's giggles would you say that to someone that you KNEW was reading, and ENJOYING, the series. So, I stopped reading, and just decided to watch the movies.

The shitstorm continues. Last summer I went to BC and one night when we didn't have anything else to do, my wife and I decided to see HP6. I was really excited. To be honest, I was super pleased with all the other movies, ESPECIALLY HP5.

About 4 hours into the movie, one of my only complaints is that it's long, although mostly really enjoyable and intriguing, there is a scene where Dumbledore and Harry are in a tower, and then Malfoy and Snape show up and some douchebag beside me says "Oh, this is the part where Snape kills Dumbledore". NOW, to be fair, I knew that Dumbledore died, but not how nor who killed him. I would have punched the guy in the schnozz but he was a giant musclebound gay man seated amongst a collection of other musclebound gay men. A) I didn't want to perpetrate a hate crime. B) I didn't want to get my ass kicked by the GMGG (Giant Musclebound Gay Gang). So, I took it like a man.

All things aside, the movie is amazing. I am constantly surprised by Rowling's ability to make this movie extremely dark extremely quickly. She is a wonderful writer and unlike most films, they do a great job at taking everything from the book and throwing it into the movie. Most movies adapted from books suck ass, (except for The Firm which was actually better) but the HP books are the exception to the rule. While they are BETTER books, they are still great movies.

The child actors have really grown into their roles and have started to become actual actors, most notably Harry and Hermoine. Ron, still kind of a douche, and a bit of an idiot.

I prefer the old Dumbledore, but he's dead... I guess technically they both are, cause now the ACTOR is dead, the old one, and so is the character.

The movie is awesome, well worth the watch and much like every one of the films, except number 2, it is a GREAT movie and I give it 3 Donairs.

P.S. If you haven't already done so, read Deathly Hallows so that nobody ruins it for you.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Book of Eli

It fucking blew.

More to come. It's all I could talk about the movie so far without vomiting.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Let's talk about Chevy Chase.
Honestly, you're old dude. You were funny. You were really funny. At one point, along with Steve Martin, you might have been one of the funniest men on the planet. But, you're not now. You're not that funny. You're not terrible, and there is a certain degree of comedic presence that you have. But it is limited. And you're predictable. As soon as you showed up, I was like, well, I know what this asshole's gonna say next. PLUS, you're a terrible ripoff of Don Knotts character in Pleasantville. Like, a SAD, terrible ripoff of Don Knotts character. Like, to the tits.

Now, let's talk about John Cusack.
What the fuck are you? I have never seen anyone play so many different roles throughout their career. You are always sad. I don't believe I've ever seen you happy in a movie. But that's about the only thing that's EVER the same about you. 1402 - Strange author who is super creepy. Gross Point Blank - Crazy wacked out hitman. High Fidelity - Sad, strange little man who loves music. 2012 - Crazy writer who is bad with his family. Alright, so maybe the theme here is that he is a fucking nutbar in just about every movie that he's in. He's very funny, especially in this.

Craig Robinson. You are a silly bitch. You are super funny and awesome. This is probably the 2nd best performance I have ever seen Craig turn in, 2nd to only Reg Mackworthy in Eastbound and Down.

Rob Cordry, you're an asshole... and I love every minute of it. He is the comedic highlight of the film.

The other guy I also really enjoy is Clarke Duke, a relative newcomer. He is great in this and super funny in Kick-Ass. I have never watched Clarke and Michael, his webisodes with Michael Cera.

If you want to laugh you should see this movie. It also stars Lizzy Caplan, the funniest chick in the world, star of Mean Girls (well, except for Drunk-el-han, and Party Down, and has what I could only call an oft-repeating cameo of Crispin Glover, who is hilarious and creepy, as per usual.

So, laugh it up. Watch the movie.
2 1/4 Donairs.

After all that, you might think, why only that many donairs?
Well, to be fair, it is predictable (you will know what I mean exactly). It's funny, but I've seen just as funny and there is very little original about it. To be honest, Vice Versa, 13 Going On 30, 17 Again. They're all the same fucking movie, just like Hot Tub Time Machine.

So, like I said before, 2 1/4 Donairs.... Suck it Chevy.

How To Train Your Dragon

Suck it Pixar! And Disney! Dreamworks has brought out a sweet fricken movie. Jay Baruchel stars as Hiccup, the worst name EVER for a viking, which is kind of the point. Gerard Butler plays his father, and is pretty good. Craig Ferguson is fucking money and the movie is great.

I SHOULD have seen the movie in 3D, but I didn't. I saw it in 2D. I didn't get the third dimension, but I totally should have. Maybe I could just buy a billion dollar 3DTV and wear stupid looking glasses at home. The movie is good. The plot is relatively original, as long as you are talking specifically about Dragons because if you are talking about the general theme of a misunderstood monster. In any case, its entertaining, and if you are a 10 year old, which is who the target audience for this film is, you will be TOTALLY blissfully unaware of the fact that this has been done about 14 hundred times.

This movie LOOKS killer. The CGI is amazing, the dragons look cool and in general, its fun to watch.

I give this movie 2.5 Donairs and recommend that you watch the movie with a youth, preferably under the age of 7, because you will be entertained not only by the film but also by the youth, who will giggle their fucking ass off.

Bucket List

Holy shit these two guys are old. I had no idea how old Jack looked. You see him at Laker's games and you think, ok... still Jack.. but shit.... he is old. At least they won't have him bang somebody in this movie.... ohh..... wait for it... yeah, there she is.

Morgan Freeman should narrate EVERYTHING on the planet, except that this would leave Connery, Elliot and James Earl Jones out of work.

I have a bucket list that I have started to fulfil and I like the premise of the movie. It's pretty well acted and it's funny at points. I had NO idea how sad this movie was going to be. Fuck, you're going to make me cry aren't you.... yup, there it goes.

Morgan Freeman's wife in this movie is a filthy pirate hooker... and I hate her.

Morgan = Awesome, Jack = Great, Will and Grace Guy = You can act.

Overall, watch the movie. Don't watch it if you're sad. Watch it if you are happy. Good times had by all.

2 Donairs

Friday, July 2, 2010

Co-Hosts, Contests and Other Stuff

Hey team frickin sweet. A few little things about my podcast.. I have several questions for you. If you have answers, please fire me off an email to

1. Does anyone want to appear as a guest/co-host on my movie review podcast?
2. I'm going to run a couple of contests. a) I need a logo for my show. you design it, I steal it from you. b) I would like lyrics to a theme song which i will then record on piano and/or guitar, which will then be the theme song to my show.
3. I have an email now specifically for my show and blog. Got a question, want me to review something?


Monday, June 28, 2010

My Podcast

Hey everyone. I just posted my first podcast at You NEED to check it out and when you are listening to the podcast itself, there is a link on the right where you can subscribe and get the weekly updated delivered to your iTunes each week.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Battlestar Galactica

Now, to be fair, I'm not finished. I am halfway through season 4, the last season, and then I have the 2nd movie to go, but here goes anyways.

I specifically wasn't going to watch BSG because of the 1970's version of the show. I DID watch the original movie and it blew goats on a warm summer day. it was El Terrible. REAL bad. The actual Cylons (a race of robots, created by humans at a lab called Skynet... wait, wrong movie) looked mucho cheeso in the first film and they do a MUCH better job in the series.

There are a number of cast members you would recognize. Well, ok... about 4. First there is Edward James Olmos?Almos? as the batshit crazy, tough love, oft changing, commander. He runs a tight ship... well, he runs a ship. The remainder of the cast are mostly nobodies although a few of them have actually launched their careers using the show, such as the guy from the new CTV show The Bridge. Then again... it launched his canadian television career. Even if it's the best show since Danger Bay. WAIT! Holy shit! The guy from Danger Bay plays the doctor. THIS SHOW IS SWEET. Also, for those of you of both sexes, and maybe some cyborgs, that like a little eye candy, the show is full of it. To be honest, everyone on the show is fracking somebody.

From a plot perspective, it gets a little muddled. The first season is stellar. You never know what's going to happen next, and when it does happen, you believe it. Season 2 tries to continue this trend with a little bit of issues from time to time. Season 3 and 4 become very muddy. You become unsure of the actions of the characters as they become surpisingly unpredictable almost to the point of annoyance. You believe all the things that happen in the 1st season, and most of the 2nd, but when the 3rd and 4th come around, you come to believe that if the Cylons REALLY had a plan, all these stupid humans would be dead, and then the show would be over.

The first 17 times they said FRACK, I was really confused and thought this show just liked to drop f-bombs. It seemed cheesy at first, but eventually it become part of the language you become used to, just like FTL drive. (If you're not stupid or have read my review of SGU, you will know that this is a faster than light drive). I am a LITTLE bit confused about the whole "where the f are we jumping" deal. To be honest, I want to know a lot more about the way intergalactic communications work.

All that being said, good show, lots of twists, and well worth the watch.

By the way. I JUST figured out the Tom Zarek is the original Apollo. I suck.

2.5 Donairs.

The Inbetweeners

First off, let's talk a little bit about the British.
I picked up Series 1 and Series 2 of The Inbetweeners, a relatively new British sitcom that deals with the relatively miserable life of Will, a young Brit. My first concern is not with the show itself which is quite witty and has imbedded itself in my language over the last few days. I have called most of my friends poofs and tossers and I've enjoyed it.

My issue is not with the obvious fact that they are all losers, none of who will ever succeed. In fact, it's what keeps it interesting is trying to figure out HOW they are going to screw up their attempt at minge.

My issue is with the term "series". First off, it's not a series, it's a season. For example, if it is cancelled soon, then what would you call the entire collection? I suppose you've actually been given one right there, but seriously. SERIES? It's a season. It's a season, you tosser.

The cast of the show is entirely unknown. Well, at least to me, their transcontinental cousin. Maybe these people are well known in Britain but given how hideously ugly most of them are, I doubt it. At first I thought Mr Gilbert was known to me and then I realized that he simply looked like the gargantuan brother of Niles from Buffy... which I have never watched.

The plot is nothing entirely new. In fact, it's relatively played. But it's funny. The thing you often have to think about when it comes to TV shows or movies, ESPECIALLY comedies is, "is there anything new to do". There are a few surprises, but in general, it's stale like your mum's chips. GOD, who am I?

In the end, the show is worth watching, but probably not worth watching more than once. It has far to many references to homosexuality and pedophilia (and not in a kind way) and probably would not fly in NA. Well, maybe on HBO.

2 Donairs. Watch it.... Once.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Stargate Universe

I will start this with talking a little about SGU's predecessors.

It all began with Stargate, the motion picture. This was... great. Kirk Russell was great, James Spader was also fantastic and the plot was really interesting.

They followed it up with an amazingly well drafted show, SG1. Among other failures, they replaced Kirk Russell, who is a legitimately talented actor and excellently suited for the role, with fucking McGyver. McGyver. Richard Dean McGyver. They also made the decision to turn it into Stargate meets Porky's, minus the nudity, which would have been the only thing to redeem the show. Of course, that would have made it very difficult for global to carry it.

Following SG1, they decided to make Stargate Atlantis. Now admittedly, I have never seen a single episode of Stargate Atlantis however I take it on good authority that it is just like SG1 and as such it belongs inside a Sea Lion's vagina.

There were also a series of movies "The Ark of Shit" or something like that, and I can only assume it sucked as much as the shows.

And that brings us to Stargate Universe. I was hesitant to watch the show because of my feelings about McGyver's shit acting, but I watched it nonetheless. And here is what I came up with.

The cast is great. There are a few well known ones such as Robert Carlisle, Lou Diamond Philips and Michelle Almeda (don't know her real name, don't care). Those that I had not seen before were great, specifically the actor that plays Eli. Some of you might think that I should know the names of these actors being that I watch so much film and TV and any good critic should know actors names, but I don't care about them until they are famous enough NOT to appear in a Burger King commercial.

The plot is unique. Well, at least I thought the plot was unique until I started watching Battlestar Galactica and saw how similar the shows were. There are some truly interesting parts to the show, but there were also a series of incredibly NOT unique storylines. Occasionally, they come up with something interesting, but they also typically follow it up by either not explaining what the fuck just happened, or making you think they will explain what the fuck just happened eventually, followed up by not explaining it.

When it comes down to it, the show is relatively original. I would say it's not mainstream, but maybe I was just not mainstream enough to know that there was this new mainstream that I didn't even know about that mostly consisted of relatively ambiguous alien life forms and FTL drives. (It means Faster Than Light, just so you don't feel like as much as an idiot as I did for the first several episodes.

F@&# you McGyver.

Overall, watch the show. 2 1/4 Donairs.

By the way, I know how you actually spell McGyver, but I don't care, because he's McGyver.


Recently, I have begun watching TV shows. Perhaps I have just gotten bored with film, but I have decided to try out several of the newest TV series. So, let's start with Chuck.

I will rate Chuck on a number of categories that don't typically need to be rated when it comes to a movie.

1) The cast. Chuck is hilarious and makes you think that if you just tried a little harder you could also be a superspy. The guy who plays John Casey is GENIUS and Morgan always makes the show watchable. Jester (the strange combination of Jeffrey and Lester) makes you want to laugh, cry and vomit, often simultaneously. And then there is Sarah. Sarah is great, but most of the time you are just realizing that they are fated NOT to be together and you think he should hook up with the various cameo's that make appearances as Chuck's love interests.

2) The plot. Most shows die early. Most shows go along well for a year, sputter off in year 2 and then become absolutely unwatchable during year 3. Chuck does NOT do this. Every season has a combination of long-term and short-term storylines that come together to make an incredibly watchable series. It does become stagnant briefly during the middle of season 1, but it quickly gets back on track and brings the thunder.

3) Mainstreamness. This may seem like an odd category, but here goes. Is Chuck just like all the others? Is Chuck merely an NBC remake of the classic Richard Greico film, "If Looks Could Kill". The answer is... no. With a great cast, a unique and oft-changing storyline and fantastic cameos (my 2 favourites being Uncle Carl and The Strahan) Chuck brings it every week. It NEVER gets old, NEVER regurgitates itself, (except when done well and on purpose) and it's got Scott F-ing Bakula. SO THERE.

I give Chuck 2.5 Donairs and if you're not already watching it, you should be ashamed of yourself. And if you're not watching it because you're too busy watching True Blood or Dexter, then f@#$ you.

Tanner. OUT

Monday, August 3, 2009


So, everybody told me that this was the worst movie ever. Well, they were wrong. It was not even in the bottom 10, it might not even have been in the bottom 200. First off, Ryan Reynolds is the shit, in this and in everything. Liev Schriber is fantastic. The movie was not bad. As far as movies go. If you liked X-Men 1-3, you should see this movie. It explains a lot. And if you don't like it, I don't care.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

Ok, let's talk about the problems first. We'll start with the name. Like Terminator: Salvation, it just flat out pisses me off when they subtitle a movie. It does not need a subtitle. It's Transformers 2. Seriously. And it's Terminator 4, so shut up. The typical complaint thus far about Transformers 2 is that it is one lengthy action sequence, but I don't think that's a fair criticism. I mean, it's an action movie. Some people also suggested that the movie was too sexy. Are you for real? It's frigging Megan Fox, of course it's sexy. She is currently the sexiest woman alive. Too sexy. Grow a pair. The movie has a few flaws but when it comes down to it, it's everything I would have expected. If you liked T1, you should like T2. If you liked T1 but you didn't like T2 you're an ass. I can't wait for Transformers: Revenge of The Risen or some other terrible subtitle. 
2/3 Donairs