An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore has aged. I swear to God that I thought this was Old Man River at the beginning of the movie. No wonder this guy didn't get elected. He is boring as shit. Kidding. Gore actually has a bit of a sense of humor. If David Suzuki and a white Old Man River had a kid,  that hideous CHUD would be Albert Gore. 

So, the premise. We're all going to die, and according to Al, really soon. I saw The Day After Tomorrow Al, a lot of us live. Sure, we have to move to Mexico, but Mexico is really, really nice. 

According to Gore, that picture of the earth is the most published picture ever, but I think the picture of Britney's hoo-hoo is a little more popular. This movie is like a giant "up-yours Bush", which, don't get me wrong, I am totally okay for. But I wanted a little more fact and a little less fiction. Yeah Al! Throw up a couple of Mark Twain quotes, THE GREATEST LIAR IN ALL OF HISTORY, except for Milli Vanilli. 

Al Gore being friends with Carl Sagan is like a bus driver being friends with Bill Gates. You're not in the same universe ya nipple. 

Wait a minute. I was told the problem was that the ozone layer was getting too thin, now you're telling me it's getting too thick. This is bullshit. What the hell am I supposed to do? Matt Groening, I can't believe you made this video. Mr. Sunbeam looks like Mr. Hanky Poo. I'm going to kick that little kid in the face. That video was stupid. That video made me want to kick a kid in the face.

OH OH. It looks like Al has his tie loose. You're all screwed now suckas! Wait. Does that include me? I will totally fight Al Gore. And I will win. And if I don't win, we will have a recount. Al Gore just called himself a sponge. I hate Al Gore.

Honestly, I think our best idea is to take a Delorean, (a car), attach a blender to it, throw in some uranium and go into the future and whoop some ass. 

Hey, did I mention that I'm Al Gore and I am totally smart and important?

You know Al, I don't really like snow, so I am mildly okay with this. I lived in Fort Kent for a year. I totally want this to happen.

Stop referring to everyone as your friend. Al, you do not have as many friends as you think you do. You are filthy rich and very important. THAT is why these people are friends with you. If you were a hobo, or even a janitor, based on your personality you would have not a single friggin' friends. 

So, I think I figured this out. We need less Carbon Dioxide. Why don't we plant extra trees? SWEET. Now I can turn off this movie, spray paint my room and burn all my extra papers.

DAMN AL! You used to be pretty hot, (no pun intended). But your kid has a giant head. Was his head that big BEFORE he got hit by a car?

My kid got hit by a car so I figured, eff it. Let's go to Antarctica. 

hey.... pssst... why are we whispering Al?

Alright, let's be serious for a second. This is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. But, who knows? What does it mean? It means we should be far more careful with everything. We should probably stop cutting down everything. We should probably stop throwing everything in the garbage. We should probably stop listening to Motley Crue and we should probably listen to Nelly Furtado and Turn Off The Lights. 

"GEORGE BUSH DOES NOT CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE!"

Thanks Kanye.

I'm really glad we've never been hit by a hurricane. That would totally suck.

"The era of Procrastination, of Half-Measures, of Soothing and Baffling Expedients, of Delays, is coming to is close. In its place we are entering a period of Consequences".

Does anyone else find it funny that most of this movie, Gore is flying around in a private jet, accompanied by only hookers and coke? Well, maybe I am exaggerating a little. But for real, that does not seem like a good use of natural resources.

Clap it up people. You're just feeding this bastards ego. WHAT? When there are higher temperatures, there is more evaporation? I wish I had graduated elementary two. 

Al Gore's dad was named "Breeder of The Month". Way to go Mr. Gore. Hammer it out. If as a kid it took you awhile to learn the difference between work and fun, you were a stupid kid. 

I love the rhetoric. "Is there any ..... oooooh yeah." We're aware Al. The worst part is that it makes these stupid people laugh. Stop laughing people. You're only encouraging him. 

The sun'll come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...... EVERYONE ON THE PLANET WILL DIE BECAUSE OF THE OFFSET OF THE BIRTH TIME OF THE CATERPILLARS VERSUS THE BIRDS.

Here goes Al talking about his "friends" again. 

More alarming than the ice shelfs disappearing is the fact that Al Gore's eyebrows, even just through the course of this movie, are disappearing at a rate I can't even begin to predict.

Did Al Gore just suggest that we eliminate poor countries by cutting down and burning their trees and killing all their citizens?

There is no way that a frog would possibly do that. Why the fuck is everyone laughing? This man is not at all funny. Stupid cows.

Taback-O Al. Tabacc-OH. Not, Ta-Ba-Cah. 

Dammit, do you have any idea how much I hate it when they use the title of a movie that very movie. This movie loses like 8 cool points because of that. 

I think rather than a slideshow, Al Gore should have made a paper copy for every person on the planet and then mailed it to them via air. What is my issue with this movie? You don't give me an answer you jerk face. I want answers. I get it. I see lots of problems. NO SOLUTIONS. What is your answer? We should... ummm... try to make this planet stuff not go quite so bad.

Al Gore wants to travel city to city spreading his message. Maybe you should simul-cast this on the web so that you don't waste so much fuel, you silly nipple.

I think this is actually a Prius commercial.

So, he gives a few solutions, but they are vague and they are silly. THAT WAS A PRIUS!

Look, everyone on the planet should watch this movie because it is important. Is it absolutely correct? No. This movie is like Jesus. Even if you don't believe, it's still a pretty good story.

2 1/2 Donairs.