Viggo Mortenson is cool. I don't care what he plays. He could play a dog. He could play a kitchen table. He could play a spoon and I would think, holy shit. That's the coolest frigging spoon I have ever seen in my entire life. And in this, even moreso than in most, he is damned cool.
Like anything Russian, this movie moves obnoxiously slow. It is an extremely lush and lavish looking film, but like anything Russian, it also has too many women named Anna, too many men named Ivan and too many British actors playing Russians with terrible accents. Maybe some of these people are actually Russian, but if they are, they are either from remote areas of Russia where they speak really terrible Russian, or they are mentally retarded. I don't think they are from obscure areas of Russia. And I don't really even thinking they are British.
This movie does make me realize how much I like really little motorcycles and how much I want to buy a scooter. Like a little vespa that will not go up hills or anything while I am on it.
Why is Russia so dirty? Like, why don't they clean it up? It can't be that hard.
There goes Naomi Watts, worrying about her hair again. It looks terrible. Fix your hair. Seriously.
The other thing about this movie is that because of the terrible accent, I don't have a sweet clue what anyone is talking about. Oh the lonely life of a Russian limo-driver/professional hitman. Come on Viggo Mortenson, crack a smile ya bastard. That's not a smile Viggo. That's more like a smirk. In fact, I am thinking now that Viggo doesn't typically smile, he mostly smirks.
Dammit Viggo, if you say "I'm just a driver" one more time I'm gonna punch you in the vas deferens.
I have also discovered that Russians are terrible dressers. They all wear the same crap and most of that crap is hideously ugly.
All right. We're going to make a rule. Everybody needs to stop cutting everybody's head off. For the rest of this movie, I don't want to see one more person get their friggin head more or less cut off.
I like the fact that Fabio's little brother shows up in this movie to wear a Polish-Mexican dress and play the accordian while he sings opera.
This movie is extraordinarily slow. Like, this movie is slower than anything I have ever seen. What makes it really pick up is the depressing violin that accompanies the entire movie. Honestly, this movie is making me seriously hate the entire Russian nation. It's flat out bad. It's terrible. It's so slow. Everyone is slow, or they are stupid, or they can't speak English. This movie should really have f@#*ing subtitles. It would make things much easier if there were subtitles. Half the time I'm not sure if they are speaking Russian or English and I am not sure if I am supposed to be paying attention or not. And even when I am supposed to be paying attention, I don't want to, because it is boring as shit. I'm waiting for the nude bathhouse fight scene.
OKAY. I know that sounds terrible, and super gay. But all I mean is that I heard it's a kick-ass scene. It's not that I want to see Viggo naked. Seriously, it's not. It is merely a necessary repercussion of observing the awesomeness.
Okay, so the "promotion" scene. Why the fuck is there no subtitles. WAIT! Did you see that guys moustache. That's awesome. hahahahahaha. Alright, back to the subtitles. There is like a 3 minute scene with a lot of dialogue...IN RUSSIAN, with no subtitles. I know I got a lot of slack for my "cut 15 minutes off the Dark Knight" statement. Cut and hour and a half off this movie. Have the bathhouse scene, the tattoo scene, and end my life.
Naomi Watts just woke up and her hair is perfect. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I mean, come on. Either you have great hair or you don't. This is just flat out silly. Look at my hair. You don't see my hair being different everyday.
Nothing like a good set-up. Viggo, I thought you knew your shit. RUN JIGGA! RUN! I saw this coming and I was in the bathroom at the time.
Ok, I know I said I wanted to see this scene but I am getting really tired of seeing Viggo's cock. And if I were Viggo, I would be pissed. They DEFINITELY didn't do any sort of CGI or cosmetic upgrades. Come on. Help the guy out a little bit. Viggo buddy, You got a little dick.
Hey, I just got back from throwing up in the bathroom. What did I miss?
Apparently I missed quite a bit. Wait, this movie takes place in London?!? WHAT THE FUCK is happening here? Why does everyone have a Russian accent. The Russian Mob in London? I am so frigging confused. I officially hate this movie. This movie makes me want to punch everyone Russian in the face, after strapping kittens to my fists and then lighting those kittens on fire.
It's funny, this movie needed about another 4-5 hours to really explain what the hell was going on, and yet, I was so happy when it ended early. Despite the fact that there was NO closure whatsoever and at the end of the movie you don't have a sweet clue what really happened to anyone, I was so pumped it was over. I would have rather struck myself in the face with a hot frying pan full of boiling oil than sat for another 2 minutes and watched any more of this Russio-English tripe.
Here, I'll make an Eastern Promise for you. If you make a sequel, I will kill you.
1 donair.
3 comments:
Oh my friend, I adore the way your mind works. Seriously. You have put all my hatred for this movie into one beautifully written review. I too, watched it, pained through it, just to see the bathhouse scene, only to be disappointed by Viggo's manhood. He is cool, no doubt, but he should never fight nude again. Terrible movie but a splendid review!!!
Thats the thing about downloaded movies. Quite often the subtitles are missing. Also, if you were in a bath house with guys trying to kill you and 2 Big Ass cameras and a 200 person crew watching, don't you think you might retract a bit?
I liked it more than you. The shower scene was good and it made me feel superior to Viggo. I did like the naked fight scene in The Karate Kid better. Mr. Mr. Miyagi is hung like Sea Biscuit.
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