First off, Batman wouldn't let somebody do that to his family, unless you count all the times he's in fact... nevermind.
It's a really good looking movie. It moves a little slow, but it's a western, so it's supposed to.
Ben Foster is money, as always, and everyone else is as kick-ass as usual. Russell Crowe is getting fat. Like seriously, he needs to go on a diet or something, cause he used to be ruggedly handsome, and now he is ruggedly fat. But, that is a kickass hat.
I'll tell you what I wanna get. I wanna get a gatling gun, cause that is totally kick-ass.
Actually, so far, this movie is pretty kickass.
WAIT? Is that the bad guy or the good guy. WOW... Bad guy.. You know, people used to take a lot more care in shooting people. Back in the day, everybody just shot everybody at the drop of a hat, much like Chicago now.
Christian Bale, you got the shit end of the hat stick in this movie. Your hat sucks. Crowe's hat is awesome.
Also, I am sick and tired of Pinkerton's being in every western. Was there no OTHER company. Was it all, shit, there go the Pinkerton's again? Cause that's stupid.
You know what would have made this movie better? Gangster Rap. Gangster Rap would make anything better, even this movie. I know this is inconsistent with my review of 88 Minutes but you know what, shut up. Or I will shoot you down like a dog. Seriously, this movie puts gravel in my piss, or whatever the hell you call it.
GO BACK TO YOUR FARM SHIT HEAD.
So, some things about this movie piss me off. Like, seriously, use your head. This movie should have been about 13 minutes long. It should have gone, "Hey, someone's shooting somebody. We should ride home". "Yup". End of movie. Instead they decided, "Hey, let's try to be a half-legged super hero."
PIRATE STEVE!$! Awesome. Oh pirate Steve. Your life will never be quite the same. ARR.
This is a real wrong place, wrong time story. This is also a story about poor dental hygiene. Christian Bale has some messed up teeth. He has fangs. I first noticed it in The Dark Knight, and then again here. He should really file them down or something. This is the creepiest I have seen Bale look since The Machinest, which you should NEVER watch while you have insomnia because you will want to end your life.
37min 30sec in you get to see the greatest moustache you will ever see in your entire life. It is supremely coiffed. I know. Even I don't understand what is up with my sudden hair infatuation. I hate Gretchen Moll. I hated her in the 13th floor, I hated her in Rounders and I hate her now. Among other things, she has terrible hair.
HEY, that guy was in Point Break, the greatest action movie of all time. Wow, Crowe is a real dick. Good acting.... OH WAIT, Russell Crowe actually is a dick. Sorry, I forgot.
Alright, somebody just needs to shoot this guy. No one is gonna be mad at you. He's a vicious criminal. Shoot him in the face and this movie's over.
So, here comes the part where morality finds fine line. I mean, he's clearly not a good guy.... but, hmmm. Great line, "Even bad men love their mamas".
Apparently the filmed this in the exact spot that they filmed Young Guns, which was a far better movie.
I wish everyone wasn't quite so dirty in westerns.
The plot in this one is a little bit predictable, but since it's a remake, I guess it sort of has to. Although the movie would be awesome if the train just came and they put him on it, no fight or anything. Just, put him on the train. I've always wanted a movie to end like that. No climax whatsoever, just the logical conclusion.
The key to a good western is one man, standing alone. This is a good western. This is a very good western. Christian Bale is officially a p.i.m.p. Between this, Dark Knight and the new Terminator movie, Christian Bale is the coolest mofo in Hollywood. This is one of his best performances since Reign of Fire, the movie he did about dragons, and no, I am not be facetious, I actually really liked that movie. Russell Crowe is still pretty chubby towards the end of the movie, Christian Bale still has fangs and Ben Foster is still super frigging cool. Foster is an incredibly underrated actor with his best performances coming in Get Over It and Alpha Dog.
I love how occasionally everyone turns from a sharpshooter into just an absolutely terrible shot. That's hilarious.
Okay. I officially don't understand what is going on in this movie, but I love it.
This is a great movie. It actually is a really good watch, with great acting, a good story and a great setting.
2 1/4 Donairs.
3 comments:
Wicked review, I love the one-liners, almost random comments, strewn throughout your main ideas, like the dirtiness of people in Westerns, and your new found hair obsession (remind me to fix my hair before I ever see you!). Russell Crowe is a dick, and in my opinion his career peaked with Romper Stomper. But, by far the best comment - Young Guns. Kudos for recognizing a movie most people would probably choose to forget.
I will watch it. If you want to see the best western ever. Watch a movie called The Proposition. It is fantastic.
For a good Christian Bale as a badass movie try Harsh Times.
I'd tell you about it but I think movies are better when you go in blind.
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