The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

This movie is slower than anything I have ever seen. It was 10 minutes in and I actually considered slitting my wrists and just letting myself bleed out so that I didn't have to continue on. This is one of those lovely movies in which Brad Pitt is anything but beautiful and Casey Affleck is functionally retarded. 

The movie looks really good. It sounds really good. It is authentic. Unfortunately it is authentically not very good. I'm not going to say it is the worst thing I have ever seen Brad Pitt in, but if it's not, then I am forgetting something. A western, even one such as this, is difficult to do. It is important, if you are making a western, to make it feel dirty. If you make a western feel clean, it's not a western. At that point it's like... a northern, or maybe an eastern, but it is most definitely NOT a western. 

The movie is too clean. Everything that is white is ACTUALLY white and white didn't really exist in the time period the movie was set in. Brown was there, and black, and some beige, but no white.

Why do they keep showing this movie through what appears to be a coke bottle? Is that really your super cool film technique? 

Having turned the movie off for the rest of the evening, I proceeded to turn it on once more, assuming that my mood had been the fault of the film before. Upon turning the film back on once more, I discovered that it was in fact the film itself that was terrible and not my mood. Furthermore, I apologize for my sudden turn into overly dramatic narration but it is the fault, once more, of the film, and none of my own.

Interestingly enough, most of the nudity in this particular film involves men. There is in fact a brief love scene, but that scene takes place in the dark and apparently off screen.

Brad Pitt is the essence of muchismo in this particular film. It's a return for him to work like Legends of The Fall. In fact, this might as well be called a remake of Legends of The Fall, only with a different story, setting and cast, both fictional and real.

Apparently everyone in this movie has jaundice, despite the fact that I rarely see them drink. 

What I think I like the best about this movie is that it takes 18 minutes to play out a scene that should take 2. This movie could have been over in roughly 17 minutes. Brad Pitt could have stood up and said "Hello, I'm Jesse James." Then, someone could have shot Jesse James in the back and said, "I am the coward Robert Ford." Then the movie would have been over, but not forgotten, and I could have continued living my life without having to think about how terribly slow and painful the entire ordeal had been. 

Here is my impersonation of Casey Affleck in this movie, "I'm tough...I'm crying...I'm retarded...I'm sad...I'm retarded again." I swear to God I would like to hit him in the face with a brick and make him half the actor his brother is.

So, out of nowhere the movie got good. The script comes together, the actors suddenly do what they need to and it works. If you can sit through the first 2 1/2 hours, you're smooth.

2 1/4 Donairs.